So the horrid beast of depression has taken another wonderful soul..such sadness ..such loss for the loved ones left behind..
I cannot imagine a human who at some point has not felt the cloud of depression like an overcoat of gloom..the sense of never seeing another joyous moment ..or a time when the mind is free from turmoil.
The great tragedy is we know more of the solar system and depths of the ocean than we do our own Psyche..so why is funding for research into this field always in short supply..and I mean worldwide.
I have grown up with a parent whose entire life from adolescence onwards has been a series of deep depressions…psychoses..hospitals..drugs…delusions..misdiagnosis…on and on..
I and my siblings were born into world of confusion and pain..we have fractured relationships with each other..in fact only one sister and I have a loving relationship…mental health has a devastating ripple effect..on all.
I have sat in meetings and consults with teams of Psychiatrists..Psychologists..care givers..Doctors..and honestly..they are offering no different help than when I was 16 and asking why they had given my mother shock treatment…I can tell them more about her condition than they know.
This is not arrogance this is coming from watching as she cycles..manic highs when she becomes rude cruel and paranoid to the low cycle when bang she can be catatonic.
Now imagine HER world..imagine living with this disease that has caused so much pain to her children her parents her siblings..imagine not knowing if one day you will not come back from that world of horror..
The drugs may help..but then that can change…as you age your body chemistry changes and so the levels need adjusting…my sister and i dread when they change mums meds..will she be compliant? will she Dr shop? why is there no register to allow Dr’s to see when she does..
I cannot honestly remember a time I had a proper mum..the moments were fleeting..she could not help this.
Mum has lost giant parts of her memory due to the shock treatments and chemical cocktails she has endured.Sadly this loss of memory has made her easily a target for those in my family that would seek to use her for things I will not go into here.
Yes the ripples run deep..i have a good relationship with my mum when she is well..when she is sick I relate to her on a business level..self preservation kicks in..i have been out on my own since 16 and have learnt to protect myself.
This horrible disease..this beast of a thing has robbed us of a mum,has taken a woman who was a talented painter and left behind a woman who even on anti psychotics has never had a quiet mind ..ever..
Mum hears things she has never told anyone..she fears everything..she is indeed a victim without a physical deformity to show for it..her pain and disease is silent…
I have had my moments..i have had times when I have been pretty low..and it is hard..hard to sometimes be happy in order to make others around you feel better.
I have always had a side to my personality that I know to be darker..the side that sometimes would like to curl up in bed and be left alone..i think all people feel this at times.
I have dealt with the life I was given by turning my sadness and hurt into humour, and yes I have had people say they thought I never had a down moment..or I never had a serious side.
Humour can be an armour..if you make people feel better then maybe you yourself will.
Today a beautiful man who was funny caring and charity minded took his life..his family and friends have probably known this was coming..they would have seen his ‘Dark night of the soul’ but comforting words and a hug are just not enough for some..when the pain fear and dread become all encompassing..when even the hurt you know you will cause by your actions are not enough to keep you in the pain you live with.
All I can say is how truly sad that a man such as Robin Williams..whose sense of fun humour and joy was a gift could not find for himself that same joy.
And I hope he finds the peace that his poor mind could not give him.
So every now and then ask that friend who always smiles always laughs and makes you feel uplifted if they are good..ask them how they are travelling..and listen to what you hear behind the smiles and jokes..
Robin Willaims R.I.P. a true loss of joy and laughter to a world that needs it so badly.